Why I Feel The Need to Make This Work

This post is going to be one that encompasses many aspects that I have already brushed upon, in one comprehensive post. I will be looking at all of the reasons why I feel like I need to make this work, and what it means to me mentally - consciously and perhaps unconsciously. I have been thinking about this since the beginning of my project and used the work as an exploration of the self. I think it's really important that I understand myself and why this work was made for me to realise the impact that the work can have on myself and others and to know where the work is rooted. This will then help me curate the work as well as help others understand it.

I'm going to break the post into sections to make it as clear as possible. Some categories may end up being intertwined, however. 

Escapism

I think it's clear that a lot of this work has been created as a form of escapism from myself. It's the excitement of being somebody else, in a different world, and removed from my own struggles. This has been clear since the start, however, what's more intriguing and much harder to understand, is why I need to escape.

I think this boils down to my mental health and how I feel about myself, the world and life in general.

For example, feeling unwanted and lonely is not an issue when I 'become' these goddesses as they are universally loved. I often feel like I do not deserve love, however these goddesses that bring such magical things to the world do - and they are and were loved despite heavy flaws. It's almost as if to say that people who have done bad things, or are not happy with themselves, can still be deserving of love - like a lesson I'm trying to teach myself. This is also true for not feeling important in the world - these Goddesses have a role that affects everybody and they are incredibly important to every single day. Their powers don't affect just some people some of the time, but they are well scheduled and key to making the day happen fluidly.
I also often feel hopeless and take a somewhat negative view on the world that we are all here for absolutely no reason and we are just destroying the earth and the environment for our own sake, but there's no point because we just die anyway. I understand it's very pessimistic and you have to make your own meaning to life, but this is something I struggle with because nothing matters anyway. I try to limit my impact on the world to make it a slightly better place but It's also incredibly depressing and disheartening to watch the world crumble, melt, fill up with plastic and overheat and not be able to stop it, but also knowing that there are people out there who can stop it with the amount of money they have. It's a constant circle of frustration, and by entering this body and therefore world where these issues are not so prominent, it offers me the escapism I seek, without turning a blind eye to the actual issues that are occurring in real life - because I think that to be irresponsible and detrimental to the health of the planet. I think this is also important because my anger is directed at humans. I do not dislike the planet, I find it utterly beautiful, only what humans have done to it is what infuriates and depresses me - and goddesses aren't human. Perhaps this is a way of removing my own guilt for my contribution to the downfall of the Earth. The images do have hints of being in a state between reality and fantasy, and I think that reflects my need to stay aware of issues and also take time away from them. 
Something that affects my life greatly is my anxiety, and I feel like when I embody a goddess, somebody of such importance and somebody who has powers that I personally do not possess, it is almost like wishing and taste of what could have been. Much as an actor would see themselves as different to the character they are playing, these goddesses do not have anxiety and therefore they symbolise my desire to not have this detrimental part of my life.

With all this being said, it's clear that my need for escapism, in which I find within the arts, comes with my unhappiness with myself, the world and even the concept of life. I believe that everybody has copy mechanisms and that this is mine.

Nostalgia

This, of course, intertwines with escapism but is so specific I will talk about it individually. I will not go too much into detail as I have a whole other post about it here.  My work explores many different eras by taking reference to different paintings, which took inspiration from the Greek myths. By exploring these topics, it's a way for me to use escapism in a different way. It helps me transport myself into a different time, a perhaps not quite so realistic time - a history very much looked at through rose-tinted glasses -  where there is no need to escape. 

It's a feeling of temporarily escaping the struggles of everyday life and longing for a different time - perhaps a time where we had caused irreversible damage to the Earth and I wouldn't have a feeling of impending doom due to how we are treating the world. 

The Need for Connection

I have also already spoken on this within my post about Alain de Botton's School of Life videos, here. To put it simply, I am somebody who longs for connection and wants to be liked and loved and I am often anxious that people dislike me. If I upset somebody it hurts me as much as them, and like a lot of people I want to feel like I am secure and in a place I belong. This need for connection is evident in my need for success, where I feel like I need to prove myself to others, friends and family, that I am worth their time. I think that not only becoming these Goddesses in a visual form, but also researching and becoming emotionally invested in these mythical figures, helps me fulfil this need for connection. 

Escaping Expectations

Also discussed in my post regarding Alain de Botton's theories, linked above, is the concept of being the golden child. This gives the child a set of expectations for their hard efforts that they feel pressure to reach, such as with grades. By taking the identity of these goddesses, I no longer need to worry about these expectations, or perhaps just not worry about meeting them - a goddess is much more capable than I am. 

Creating a Balance

The final point I will be making about what Alain de Botton has taught me, is that art helps balance us. we are drawn to art that we need to help, not quite complete us, but give us the parts of life that we do not possess in ourselves; "The kind of art that moves us and draws us in is very often a work of art that our unconscious recognises contains a concentrated dose of our missing virtues - the missing bit of us".  I clearly find comfort in these images, perhaps because they offer me parts of myself which I don't find in myself - comfort, a job to do, a clear role, importance, capability, and to feel appreciated.

To try to help

Being in the moment and impersonating these Goddesses isn't the only part that I enjoy - when I am editing the images I get the same feeling that I get from reading a great novel. It's like watching a story unfold and seeing something visually helps me immerse myself in that world. When I look at them, I don't really see myself, that moment stays during the image taking part. And so I hope that when these images are seen by others they offer this sense of escapism to others, as I know that I am not the only one struggling with not feeling like they are enough. To help others transport temporarily into a different world helps my own mind and my need to be worth something. 

Expanding on my childhood

As I have previously mentioned, the Percy Jackson books were a big part of my childhood. While it's clear that I was so into the series because of the element of escapism, I feel that this project stems from being attached to my childhood when I had fewer issues. It's expanding on what I already knew and then progressing it into my own project, almost causing a connection between me and my less-aware younger self - nostalgia again. I am no longer just reading the narrative, I am a part of it.

I think that coming to terms with these sad but honest truths about myself will only help my project continue and thrive. Knowing not only my intentions but how my mind is working and digging all of this from my subconscious helps me give meaning to my images that has always been there but not so obvious on first glance. 


Control

As I feel like I have very little control of the world, I don't believe there's an external force looking after me, and I don't feel safe in the world as a woman and simply as somebody with anxiety. Making these images helps me sort of satisfy my need for adventure in a controlled manner (and much more cost-effective for a poor student). I am choosing every part of these images, and so it is different from reading a novel in which I have no control over.